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ninth translation // written/action for housemates

[Heavily filtered - probably 97% - to Malcolm Reynolds]

[It takes a few hours after the experiment wears off for this letter to appear - she's been collecting her thoughts, working through everything, and then composing the message, mustering every ounce of dignity she can.]

Captain Reynolds,

I would like to sincerely apologize for my behavior the last few days. It's clear that we were both affected by the latest "experiment" perpetrated by the Malnosso, and I, at least, was acting completely out of character.

You seem like a very decent person, and I wouldn't mind getting to know you better, if you're willing. However, please be aware that I have no romantic interest in you at the present time, and I am currently involved with someone else, anyway.

Again, you have my sincerest apologies if I led you to believe that certain emotions were present, which are not.

-Lieutenant Nyota Uhura

[Uhura has been in her room since the experiment wore off, the room she shares with Spock. The journal is closed and set aside, and she is lying on the bed, curled on one side, staring at the wall as though if she stares hard enough, something might happen that will magically fix everything.

It's very unlikely to.

The door is closed, but not locked or barred, though she briefly considered it before dismissing the idea as too childish. Which it would be. And she is going to deal with this situation in the most mature way she possibly can.

Once she's had a bit of a cry, that is.]

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[ it seemed to emony that whatever had been causing everyone to pair off and act so out of character had worn off and she had to shut her own journal and walk away to keep herself from reading more of the regrets that the residents had been expressing since the first signs of recovery had been displayed. it hurt to read of the heartbreak and confusion, sympathizing too greatly with people who were mostly strangers to her. she, instead, goes in search of her housemates, directing that need to offer comfort and an ear to listen (if it's needed) at them instead of those who aren't familiar with her.

she comes to the door of commander spock and lieutenant uhura's room first and pauses, lifting a hand to knock lightly. ]

[Of Uhura's housemates, only Emony would knock on the door. McCoy and Buffy would just enter upon realizing that she was alone, or more likely burst in. Spock would step inside, then ask permission to be allowed in further. So the knock must be Emony.

Uhura sits up, carefully rubbing her eyes and composing herself.]

Come in.

[ she turns the doorknob slowly, first poking her head in to glance around before she steps fully into the room. she lingers in the doorway as she gives the taller woman a sympathetic look. it looks like she's been crying. ]

Sorry to bother you. I wanted to see if you were doing okay.

You're not a bother. Come on in; I'll be fine. [She gives Emony her best attempt at a smile and waves her into the room.]

Someone needs to snap me out of it, anyway.

[ emony steps deeper into the room, folding her hands together in front of her as she comes to stand before where uhura's sitting. she couldn't imagine what it was like to come out of an experiment like that, especially since she hadn't been affected by it this time around. she considered herself lucky and fully expected to be affected by whatever the scientists dropped on them next. ]

You've always seemed like a very strong person to me. I'm sure you will.

[ there's a pause here before she asks, a bit boldly-- ]

Have you spoken with the commander yet?

[Strong. Yes. Uhura has always been proud of her strength. Right now, though, she feels weak, terribly weak. She should've been stronger, but she wasn't.]

Not yet. I - [She looks down at her hands, folded neatly in her lap.] I suspect he'll need to take some time alone.

[ she suspected as much, but it never hurt to ask. she'd seen that spock had been affected as well, but she hadn't felt she had the right to speak up on the entry she came across on the journals and hadn't allowed herself to read through all the visible comments. thankfully, the experiment had passed as she hoped it would. not only for uhura and spock's sake, but for everyone's.

emony nods. ]

We all need time to ourselves after something so harrowing.

Spock moreso than others, I'm sure. [Uhura nods slightly in agreement. She'd seen it too, of course, though since she'd been affected as well, it hadn't struck her as particularly odd.

She'd even talked about Captain Reynolds to Spock. She winces at the memory.]

He'll likely be even more disgusted with his behavior than I am of mine.

I can only imagine. I spent some time on Vulcan as my previous host and... I do not envy him. But, I'm sure he'll appreciate you being there for him. No-one was in control of their actions. It's not his fault.

I know what you say is true, but I can't stop feeling as though I betrayed him. Part of me knew it wasn't real all along.

Even though you knew, your actions were still out of your control. We can't be held responsible for the things this place makes us do. I'm sure logic will tell him the same.

It will.

[She pauses, on the verge of imparting something rather personal. But Emony might understand, a little. In a way, she's in a similar situation.]

At times like this... You know, I'd never want Spock to change. I'd never ask that of him. He'll need time on his own to figure this out, and I'll give him whatever time he needs.

But part of me really wants him to hold me right now.

Lieutenant, if anyone has anythin' to apologize for, it would be me.

Experiment or not, I... was wrong.

Even though I realize we were compelled to do what we did by the Malnosso, I would be lyin' if I said I didn't have a good time. But I'd also be a fool if I took more from it than there was.

I'd be more than happy to meet with you again; you don't need to worry about feelins' or anythin' like that. I won't take advantage of you.

If you need anythin' at all from me, or if you think it'd be easier if I just kept my distance, just ask.

[ Since McCoy had no experiment-induced feelings to feel dissipate with the end of the experiment, he had to settle to the journals updating him to the end of the experiment with their angry yells. Because it always happened that way. Imagine his disappointment that it was the sobbing of their communications officer in her room that was the sign that whatever happened the past week had run its course.

Rather than go out and sink his fist into Malcom's face, he waited until Emony left the room Uhura shared with Spock before getting to his feet and pushing the door slightly ajar. ]

Uhura?

[Uhura has regained her composure, at least for the moment, and is flipping through a book - not her journal, it's a book of poetry. She glances up at McCoy.]

Hey. Crazy week, huh?

Yeah. [ The doctor had the list of headaches to prove for it. It was funny how he dealt with more agro being unaffected by the experiment than being affected himself. He leans on the doorframe, not quite straying over that threshold yet, crossing his arms over his chest as he watches the woman flicking through the poetry book. ]

Hopefully things will settle down now. [ He pauses, before his voice becomes softer when he next speaks. ] ... You feeling all right?

[She pauses to consider that question. Uhura is nothing if not honest.] I will be all right. Once I work through all this guilt and anger and helplessness. And once I make sure Spock is okay.

... He'll get over it. [ He hoped the Vulcan would, anyway. It wouldn't bode well for their crumbling crew morale if he was emotionally compromised again. That particular infatuation was deeply disturbing. ] You both will. Free will in this place is just a damn illusion and this experiment is a perfect example of it.

I'm sure he will, I just... [She has to laugh a little.] I know he'll need to be alone for a while, and I'm pretty anxious to see him.

Want me to collar that hobgoblin and drag him back? [ Or alternatively, he can spike his meals with chocolate since he has taken over the kitchen. ]

[Oh, Bones. She shakes her head, still smiling a little.] That won't be necessary, Doctor. He'll be here in his own good time, and, I'm sure, ready to apologize and reassure me that he doesn't blame me in the slightest.

He damn well better. [ Because damn it, he doesn't like seeing most of the ladies in this house upset. ]

I'm not upset because of anything he's done. I'm mostly angry with myself.

[She pauses a moment.] Also, causing great pain to any Malnosso I meet sounds appealing.

I'll forget the oath when it concerns that organization. [ After all, being turned into Spock and swapping bodies with a six foot bunny during past experiments was anything but pleasant. Especially when their Vulcan crewmate seemed to take restrained pleasure at seeing him affected with the latter. ]

Can I get you anything?

At this point, I think I'd rather see them suffer than bring them to Federation justice. [This is her agreement. Uhura does not appreciate her love life being tampered with.

She opens her mouth to decline immediately, then, oddly enough, thinks better of it.]

Tea?

[Selfish, selfish Slayer. So caught up in her own melodrama that, when the first few hours of her house-arrest has passed with little action, she walks into Uhura's room. Because the communications officer was always good for chat. Maybe they could, oh god Buffy didn't know, share some cookies or do their nails or absolutely anything other than talk about love.

Of course, Buffy bursts in upon Uhura's very private moment of whatever-this-experiment-left-them-with. The playful and goading remark that she had planned dies on her lips.]

Oh, Uhura? [Her shoulders slump and she invites herself in. Move over, woman. She's having a seat next to you.] Rough week?

[In the past, before being tossed here, Uhura probably would've found Buffy's personality abrasive, annoying.

Now, though, it's sort of...comforting. Gives her a feeling of being grounded, in a way. Almost like Spock, despite the night-and-day personalities.]

I've never felt so utterly disgusted with myself.

I have. [She doesn't say it as a deflection off of Uhura just...hey girl, she understands.] Plus, it passes. Oh, plus, this wasn't your fault. It was some kind of a spell thing. At least you've got that going for you, right?

I feel like I should've done more. Should've known something was wrong. It didn't quite feel right, even as it was happening. I resisted the last one, and that didn't involve cheating on Spock.

I don't know if it's a resisty thing. More like a lottery that is seriously lacking in fun and with worst prizes imaginable. Sometimes you get hit, sometimes you don't. I haven't been affected by all of them, and sometimes I didn't even realize that something was going on.

I know that, I do know. I just. [She sighs, and rubs the bridge of her nose.] I'm still culpable for my actions. The Malnosso didn't force me to do anything I did, they simply manufactured false emotions.

[It takes her a moment to say something else.] A little over three years.

The felt pretty real to me but--hmm? What was that? Three years of what?

I've known Spock for three years. The Malnosso somehow got into my head and circumvented three years of... conversations, learning about each other, sharing things, friendship and trust and... [She scowls and blinks.] This huge, terrible tragedy, and watching him go off, not expecting him to come back.

They made me forget all that, for what? I spent four days with a guy I just met.

But the moment you had your mind back, you knew exactly where your heart belongs. That's what matters. Spells...they can make you do anything.

[Buffy sighs, but reaches out to touch Uhura's shoulder.] Can I tell you a story? I think...I think it might help.

I just... feel really helpless. It's not a feeling I like.

[She glances at the other woman for a moment.] Sure.

Two years ago, I was attacked by a demon whose venom caused horrible hallucinations. I didn't know it the time--but, but I'd started seeing things. It felt like...waking up. There were these doctors and my parents, telling me that all my life until that point, the six years I'd spent as the Slayer? That was the fake life. That'd I'd made it up and that I was actually a mental patient, highly schizophrenic and usually more vegetable than human. The things they said sounded so real. I wanted to believe them so much.

[She looks away. Eyeing the ground.] My friends--the ones I'd known for years, loved like my own family? They were trying really hard to save me. But I'd given up. The doctor told me I had to destroy the things that kept dragging me back to the fantasy. And I tried. I nearly killed my friends, my sister because I was hallucinating.

[She breaks off there. She has left out so much--the joy of seeing her mother alive, the fear that she was genuinely crazy. It takes her a moment, but:] They forgave me. I'm sure Spock'll forgive you, too.

Edited 2010-03-02 01:49 (UTC)

[Wow. Uhura watches as the other woman tells the story. She can't even imagine what that must've been like.

It's a while before she speaks again.]

I know he'll forgive me. And I'll forgive him. But part of me will always feel guilty. Part of me will always remember that for the first time in three years, I was with someone else, and, at least for a little while, I enjoyed it.

It comes down to choice. You were forced into the someone-elseness. You'd never have chosen it if they didn't choose for you. Like I didn't choose to be poisoned.

[And so, she comes to the not-so-pleasant moral of her story.] Save your disgust for the things that are actually you're fault.

Good advice. Now I'll just have to learn to take it.

[She gives Buffy a wry smile.] I've always been my own harshest critic. It's part of why I'm so good at what I do.

[She needs to learn how to take it too. Girl's carrying massive disgust over Kadaj.]

That's not necessarily a bad thing. Just--y'know. Balance. It's needed.

[She nods.] Life is a constant attempt to achieve balance, some might say.

I'll just let myself feel bad for hurting the person I love most in the world for a while, then we'll move on and keep trying to make this weird thing work.

You made it work for three years, right? A little bump like this--with neither of you to blame? You'll be fine.

For some definitions of "fine", I suppose. [She halfheartedly punches a pillow.] Damn Malnosso. As if this wasn't complicated enough already.

You two've got love. Seems pretty uncomplicated to me. I mean, at least you're not so star crossed as--say--a vampire slayer loving a vampire. [She smiles to herself.]

You two seem good together. I remain hopeful because if you two--who love each other--can't make it work, what hope've I got?

[She has to smile.] Not sure a couple of emotionally-stunted rule-breakers like Spock and I are the best example of a healthy relationship.

There's a lot I haven't let myself say.

Healthier than a lot of others I've seen. So, hey. Enjoy being in first place.

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ninth translation // written/action for housemates

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[voice] - baww, I feel sorry for her. ;_; and gorram it, wrong icon.

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icon misfire!

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