lt_linguist | ninth translation // written/action for housemates

[Heavily filtered - probably 97% - to Malcolm Reynolds]

[It takes a few hours after the experiment wears off for this letter to appear - she's been collecting her thoughts, working through everything, and then composing the message, mustering every ounce of dignity she can.]

Captain Reynolds,

I would like to sincerely apologize for my behavior the last few days. It's clear that we were both affected by the latest "experiment" perpetrated by the Malnosso, and I, at least, was acting completely out of character.

You seem like a very decent person, and I wouldn't mind getting to know you better, if you're willing. However, please be aware that I have no romantic interest in you at the present time, and I am currently involved with someone else, anyway.

Again, you have my sincerest apologies if I led you to believe that certain emotions were present, which are not.

-Lieutenant Nyota Uhura

[Uhura has been in her room since the experiment wore off, the room she shares with Spock. The journal is closed and set aside, and she is lying on the bed, curled on one side, staring at the wall as though if she stares hard enough, something might happen that will magically fix everything.

It's very unlikely to.

The door is closed, but not locked or barred, though she briefly considered it before dismissing the idea as too childish. Which it would be. And she is going to deal with this situation in the most mature way she possibly can.

Once she's had a bit of a cry, that is.]

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I have. [She doesn't say it as a deflection off of Uhura just...hey girl, she understands.] Plus, it passes. Oh, plus, this wasn't your fault. It was some kind of a spell thing. At least you've got that going for you, right?

I feel like I should've done more. Should've known something was wrong. It didn't quite feel right, even as it was happening. I resisted the last one, and that didn't involve cheating on Spock.

I don't know if it's a resisty thing. More like a lottery that is seriously lacking in fun and with worst prizes imaginable. Sometimes you get hit, sometimes you don't. I haven't been affected by all of them, and sometimes I didn't even realize that something was going on.

I know that, I do know. I just. [She sighs, and rubs the bridge of her nose.] I'm still culpable for my actions. The Malnosso didn't force me to do anything I did, they simply manufactured false emotions.

[It takes her a moment to say something else.] A little over three years.

The felt pretty real to me but--hmm? What was that? Three years of what?

I've known Spock for three years. The Malnosso somehow got into my head and circumvented three years of... conversations, learning about each other, sharing things, friendship and trust and... [She scowls and blinks.] This huge, terrible tragedy, and watching him go off, not expecting him to come back.

They made me forget all that, for what? I spent four days with a guy I just met.

But the moment you had your mind back, you knew exactly where your heart belongs. That's what matters. Spells...they can make you do anything.

[Buffy sighs, but reaches out to touch Uhura's shoulder.] Can I tell you a story? I think...I think it might help.

I just... feel really helpless. It's not a feeling I like.

[She glances at the other woman for a moment.] Sure.

Two years ago, I was attacked by a demon whose venom caused horrible hallucinations. I didn't know it the time--but, but I'd started seeing things. It felt like...waking up. There were these doctors and my parents, telling me that all my life until that point, the six years I'd spent as the Slayer? That was the fake life. That'd I'd made it up and that I was actually a mental patient, highly schizophrenic and usually more vegetable than human. The things they said sounded so real. I wanted to believe them so much.

[She looks away. Eyeing the ground.] My friends--the ones I'd known for years, loved like my own family? They were trying really hard to save me. But I'd given up. The doctor told me I had to destroy the things that kept dragging me back to the fantasy. And I tried. I nearly killed my friends, my sister because I was hallucinating.

[She breaks off there. She has left out so much--the joy of seeing her mother alive, the fear that she was genuinely crazy. It takes her a moment, but:] They forgave me. I'm sure Spock'll forgive you, too.

Edited 2010-03-02 01:49 (UTC)

[Wow. Uhura watches as the other woman tells the story. She can't even imagine what that must've been like.

It's a while before she speaks again.]

I know he'll forgive me. And I'll forgive him. But part of me will always feel guilty. Part of me will always remember that for the first time in three years, I was with someone else, and, at least for a little while, I enjoyed it.

It comes down to choice. You were forced into the someone-elseness. You'd never have chosen it if they didn't choose for you. Like I didn't choose to be poisoned.

[And so, she comes to the not-so-pleasant moral of her story.] Save your disgust for the things that are actually you're fault.

Good advice. Now I'll just have to learn to take it.

[She gives Buffy a wry smile.] I've always been my own harshest critic. It's part of why I'm so good at what I do.

[She needs to learn how to take it too. Girl's carrying massive disgust over Kadaj.]

That's not necessarily a bad thing. Just--y'know. Balance. It's needed.

[She nods.] Life is a constant attempt to achieve balance, some might say.

I'll just let myself feel bad for hurting the person I love most in the world for a while, then we'll move on and keep trying to make this weird thing work.

You made it work for three years, right? A little bump like this--with neither of you to blame? You'll be fine.

For some definitions of "fine", I suppose. [She halfheartedly punches a pillow.] Damn Malnosso. As if this wasn't complicated enough already.

You two've got love. Seems pretty uncomplicated to me. I mean, at least you're not so star crossed as--say--a vampire slayer loving a vampire. [She smiles to herself.]

You two seem good together. I remain hopeful because if you two--who love each other--can't make it work, what hope've I got?

[She has to smile.] Not sure a couple of emotionally-stunted rule-breakers like Spock and I are the best example of a healthy relationship.

There's a lot I haven't let myself say.

Healthier than a lot of others I've seen. So, hey. Enjoy being in first place.

ninth translation // written/action for housemates

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